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I distinctly remember thinking she was hot when I was younger. My parents are out and I'm sunk into the living room sofa, but the phone is within my arm's reach.

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I grab the remote and hit the mute button. Sheffman is his real first name, but no one calls him that. He usually goes by Robert or Rob or Bobby, for his middle name. Sheffman is his mother's maiden name. It must be a telemarketer or someone who got his name off a list. Can I take a message? I think I hear the man say "Umm," like he's really thinking about whether or not to leave a message.

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I'm sorry. No, thank you. Then he hangs up, so I do, too.


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I'm asleep before my parents get home. In the morning, the sound of my mother and Pilot coming back from their walk wakes me up. Pilot is our dog, but my parents act like he's my little brother. My father is sitting in the living room at his computer. His desk is in the back of the room, behind the sofa, so that he can watch TV while he works. Even though he's fifty years old, my dad has a big sweet tooth; he puts three or four spoonfuls of sugar into his Grape-Nuts every morning. Mom says he's going to get adult-onset diabetes. Dad works from home half the time, and he's sitting in his pajama bottoms with his cereal, so it doesn't look like he's going in today.

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Before I was born, he started a company called Fetch Capital, and my mother quit her job to help him run it. But it's only September, school's only just started, and it's still hot out. It'll feel good once I get outside. My mother and Pilot are on the couch, watching the five-day forecast, which is pretty much my mother's favorite show. I shake my head.

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They won the big prize in the silent auction. They always bid on the trips, those two. Stevie's parents love to travel. When we were little, Stevie slept over every time his parents left town. Girls in School Uniforms "Why the fuck is everyone in such a hurry to get into that building? We're standing on the corner across the street from school, leaning against the windows of the pizza place.

Stevie hates school this year. His parents are making him see a tutor after school because colleges pay such close attention to junior year on your transcripts.

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It wouldn't be so bad if Stevie didn't already get straight As. They seem to think, since he never studies, that something must be wrong. But Stevie's just that smart. You'd hate him if he weren't so cool about it. Sometimes when we have two choices for an essay, he'll write both of them, choose the one he likes better, and give me the other one to hand in. I'm pretty sure that Francis is the only coed high school in New York with school uniforms. Boys have to wear shirts and ties, and right now Stevie and I are sweating under our long sleeves.

Whoever came up with this outfit was not thinking about the weather in Manhattan, which stays hot through September and gets hot again in May, so that the boys have to sweat out two months every year. But not the girls. The girls wear gray kilts and button-downs, although they call them blouses, and they always roll their kilts at the waist to make them shorter.

Sometimes they wear boxers underneath their kilts, and the skirts are rolled so short that you can see the boxers peeking out at the hems. Eden Reiss is walking toward Stevie and me, and her kilt is just above her knees; she never rolls her skirt to make it shorter. Her button-down is loose enough that the buttons don't pull at her chest, but you can see the polka dots on her bra underneath her white shirt.

But I'm trying not to look because she'll see me staring. Eden Reiss has been at Francis since kindergarten, too, just like Stevie and me. Just her name is enough to make her cool, like her parents wanted something biblical, but rather than settle on Eve they went straight to the heart of the matter by naming her Eden. See All Customer Reviews.

Shop Teen Books. Other Editions 6. Friend Reviews. To see what your friends thought of this book, please sign up. To ask other readers questions about Death by Eggplant , please sign up. Lists with This Book. Community Reviews. Showing Average rating 3. Rating details. More filters. Sort order. I knew immediately that it would be a funny book just by looking at the cover, and humor is one of my favorite genres. The main character is Bertie, an 8th grader who lives with an eccentric New Age mother and an insurance and number-obsessed father, both who have very high expectations of him his mother wants him to become a dream analyst, his father is paving the road for him as an accountant.

But what no one seems to understand is that Bertie's dream is to become a master chef one day. He loves food and cooking.

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In fact, Bertie cooks extravagant meals for his parents most of the time yet they hardly seem to notice his special talent. And so his frustration mounts and reaches a peak as his teacher threatens to flunk him and his arch enemy is set out to make his life even more miserable. You'll laugh the whole way through this quick-paced book.


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Aug 10, Cheryl rated it liked it. Overly ambitious, resulting in a mess. Too much going on for such a short book, too many superficialities standing in for themes. Funny enough to be effective, though, for the right audience. J O'KEEFE Job-4 stars This book does a great job balancing a sense of humor with a sense of dread one feels when being constantly bullied and on the brink of failing the 8th grade. It is the story of Betram Bertie Hooks whose family consists of a new-age mom who wears turbans and goes to classes dealing with past lives and whose dad is almost permanently attached to his cell phone, spoiting out numbers and percentage points on a continuous basis.

What his parents don't kn J O'KEEFE Job-4 stars This book does a great job balancing a sense of humor with a sense of dread one feels when being constantly bullied and on the brink of failing the 8th grade. What his parents don't know is that he may not graduate from the 8th grade to high school due to poor grades, and that, secretly, he wants nothing more than to become a master chef oh, and maybe go out with the beautiful Indra Sahir - ex girlfriend of his arch-nemesis.

Bertie's teacher is giving him one last chance for some extra credit points to boost his drades to passing. For this project, he must carry around a flour sack as if it were a baby and bring it back completely intact and unharmed after 10 days. Sounds easy, right? The only problem is that Nick, Bertie's enemy and personal bully, has been assigned the same project and will do anything to sabotage Bertie's flour sack baby.

Read the funny adventure to see what happens when Bertie's mom names the flour sack baby, Cleo short for Cleopatra - pas lives, remember?

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Will "Cleo" survive to help Bertie make it to 8th grade? Will Bertie stop being embarrassed about his great cooking skills and let his parents know his plans to become a chef? Will he go out with Indra? Read the book and find out This is a great read for girls and boys alike - great for kids who have been bullied and those who are interested in things outside of their gender-defined roles. I do not normally finish books that I actively dislike, but this one was so short I kept waiting for it to turn around. It didn't. Flat, cartoonish adults have even less of a clue than the Wimpy Kid adults, the kids are caricatures, and Bertie Listen, there are probably kids out there who will find this funny.


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There are adults out there who liked it, as evidenced by the professional reviews which made me purchase it for the library. But damn, this was a hard eggplant for me to swal Dumb. But damn, this was a hard eggplant for me to swallow. Jun 10, Anna rated it liked it Shelves: juvenile-fiction , humor. This book was short and the general plot has been used before kid trying to find his way through school while avoiding a bully and trying to get the girl but the author did a good job in making it unique with funny dialogue, eccentric characters, while keeping it short and too the point.

Would suggest to anyone who wants a good book with only the commitment of a rainy afternoon. Aug 12, Tracie rated it it was ok Recommends it for: 3rd-5th. Shelves: elem. The best thing I can say about this novel was that it was a quick read and had a happy ending. Most of the supporting characters were not well-rounded enough to care much about and everyone dropped in at moments that were just too convenient. Not one I will remember.

Feb 21, Cat rated it did not like it Shelves: teen. Good thing this book was only pages long or it would have been death to me by stupid book. It was a tad painful. Who writes this stuff? Oct 05, Linda rated it liked it. Upbeat, engaging writing.

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nickmom best apps to spy on teenagers phone Nickmom best apps to spy on teenagers phone
nickmom best apps to spy on teenagers phone Nickmom best apps to spy on teenagers phone

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